


Nothing to Lose

by auroramcchicken



Series: Love in a Time of Swimming Pools [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: Future Fic, Haru still hates himself, M/M, Sosuke is calming down a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:41:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2397089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auroramcchicken/pseuds/auroramcchicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One year after Nationals, Makoto and Haru are in Tokyo, and Rin is in Sydney. Rin misses Sosuke, but Sosuke needs more time before he can fulfill his promise to Rin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Are We Running From?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin realizes he likes Sosuke. He regrets saying he'll wait for someone who may never come back.

It's been a whole week since I've heard anything from Sosuke.

I've known Sosuke since we were eight years old, and this is the longest I've gone without hearing from him, besides the five years stretching from my transfer to Iwatobi to the end of our junior year at Samezuka, where we reconnected. Since then, even after graduation, we've texted about every day, even the time when I had to go to a competition in Melbourne for a week.

To make things worse, lately I can't think about Sosuke without my thoughts going in the same direction they used to when I thought about Haru. Then I realize that both Haru and Sosuke have dark hair, and the two of them, plus Ai, all have blue eyes. I guess I have a type.

_Why does he have to be so attractive?_

Why did he have to be 6'1" and buff with such a sexy, commanding presence? I hate thinking about him that way, but I can't really help it. I wonder if Haru was ever this confused when he started dating Makoto. Probably not, though- all he thinks about is water. I'm sure he doesn't think about how weird it really is to date someone you've known since you were five.

* * *

I'm on the phone with Makoto and Haru. I try to talk with them a couple of times a week if I have time. We should've done this from Australia the first time as well, at least once. I'm sure Russell and Lori would've let me.

"So, Haru, do you still suck at swimming?"

"I don't know, Rin, do you still want Yamazaki to suck-" What? What made him say that? So Haru finally picked up dirty locker room talk- at age 19. Not that there would have been any to pick up in the Iwatobi locker room, except maybe from Nagisa.

"Do we really have to say it like that?" Shit, even Makoto knows? I guess it's nice that he hasn't said anything, but it's kind of patronizing at the same time.

"Oh, like you can talk, Haru! I bet right before this, you two were fu-" It sounds like Makoto slams his hand down on the table, but there is no other response, and my suspicions are confirmed. I can imagine them doing that telepathy thing. _Oh, gosh, he knows! My reputation of most innocent 18-year-old in the world is ruined!_ Then, _Whatever. I only sex free._

"Can we be done talking about sex, please? No more vulgarity, or I am ending this phone call! Am I clear?" When did he grow a spine? I will definitely have to watch out for him in the future. But I guess this kind of discipline is to be expected of a future teacher.

There's a moment of silence. Then, "You're pretty sexy when you're angry, Makoto." The dial tone is heard. I am alone once more. Those two probably fuck again.

* * *

I think I'm starting to regret telling Sosuke I'd wait for him. What happens if he can never swim again and never comes back? I'd be waiting forever for something that's never coming, making everything else feel hollow and meaningless. And then, what if by the time I'm, say, 30, and it's getting to the point where I want to retire, I go looking for him, and he's moved on without me? What do I do then? I'll have wasted my time then, right?

It's these kinds of thoughts that keep me up at night.

Another day, another phone call. I'm just leaving the locker room when I hear my phone ring.

"Hello?"

"Big brother! It feels like it's been forever! How are you?"

"I'm fine. Just leaving practice now. And yourself?"

"Pretty good. Promise you won't be mad at this next part."

"What is it? You aren't pregnant, are you? I knew you hanging around a bunch of boys was a terrible idea!"

"What? No, of course I'm not pregnant. But it is kind of related to that."

"Who deflowered my baby sister?"

"Nobody. But it's not that weird. Most girls in my year have done it already. I went out with Mikoshiba, and he's my boyfriend now."

"It doesn't matter what the other girls are doing- what did you say about Mikoshiba?"

"I'm dating him. He's my boyfriend now."

"You're dating Momo? Why? You know he tried to give me a stag beetle named Pyunsuke to give to you, right? Thankfully, Sosuke got rid of it."

She laughed. "What are you talking about? He's visiting his cousin in Tokyo. I was talking about Seijuro, anyway. He took me on a picnic, and I had fun, even if the sandwiches had too much mayo and I had to bring dessert. He loved the protein powder cake. Even if we got caught in a thunderstorm, I still had a good time. I could tell he was trying."

"You're still in high school. Why do you need a boyfriend?"

"You dated in high school. Why can't I?"

"Who did I date in high school? I would love to know."

"Nitori and Sosuke, right?"

"Nitori is… complicated. He confessed to me, but that was when I still had a lot of issues to deal with, and I said I'd accept his feelings, but then we ended up deciding not to date after all. And why does everyone think I'm dating Sosuke?" Probably because I want to.

"Is this a real question? He told me he liked you once. I'm not going to pretend I don't notice how you feel about him. Even mom thought you were dating him. She was all like, 'At least my son and daughter have good taste in men. I think I understand where those cougars are coming from.' I really hope she was kidding." And now I have the horrifying image of Sosuke dating my mom.

* * *

**From: Sosuke Yamazaki**

**What's your address? I need it**

I woke up and found this message in my inbox on my phone. Is he trying to give me false hope?

**To: Sosuke Yamazaki**

**So this is all I get after a week of you ignoring me? I don't know if you deserve to know where I live.**

**From: Sosuke Yamazaki**

**Come on, please?**

I decide to mess with him a little.

**To: Sosuke Yamazaki**

**Why, are you sending me a present?**

**From: Sosuke Yamazaki**

**Something like that.**

I suppose I have to give it to him now. I wonder what "something like that" means. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.


	2. I'll Do Whatever It Takes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru's self-loathing has returned. More than that, he hates the idea of just being practice for the real thing.

Makoto has been different lately. He's started going to the Jellyfish café every morning before classes. He always dressed in what were considered "stylish" outfits, but he's really taken it up a notch, now that he can actually find clothes that fit him. On Wednesdays, our night to be a couple, he actually has suggestions for things he wants to do, instead of just doing what I want, and he's gotten a little more aggressive in… other areas, as well.

I'm afraid that he wants to leave me. He's probably meeting so many interesting people, ones who are nothing like me. That's my worst fear- Makoto realizing just how wonderful he is, and realizing he can do better than me, that I'm not worth the trouble, after all. Finding some kind, beautiful girl and starting a family with her, I know he wants a family. I can never give him that, no matter how much I want to. I hate the idea of just being practice for the real thing.

* * *

After swim practice, I head back to my apartment while checking my phone.

**From: Makoto Tachibana**

**Haru! Let's go to Disney Sea this weekend! Just no stripping, please! I don't want to share ;)**

**Come to Jellyfish with me some time. My friend that works there wants to talk to you.** It's probably just someone from my school. I won't bother.

**Why do so many girls want to go for coffee with me?**

_I never thought I'd say this, but I'm almost embarrassed to be your boyfriend. I hate coffee, so I don't want to go to Jellyfish, and those girls want coffee with you because you're hotter than it. The glasses and those plaid shirts you started wearing do too many squiggly things in my head._

The last time I met Makoto at his school, it was a disaster. I got lost on the way to the Education Building. By the time I found him, he was surrounded by at least six girls, all of whom kept trying to box him in, even though he was clearly trying to get away from them. Finally, I just dragged him away before he even had time to apologize. He scolded me for being rude, not realizing that they were far ruder.

* * *

Rei is still the same as ever. "Joint practices with Samezuka are going as planned. There is only one minor problem."

"Is that so?"

"Nagisa has made a new friend on the Samezuka swim team- Captain Mikoshiba's brother. It is very distracting."

"You mean the hyper one who tried to give Gou a stag beetle named Pyunsuke?"

Rei laughed. "Seriously? That is not very beautiful."

"It was even less beautiful when Rin wouldn't shut up about it once during our whole trip to Australia last year. You'd think his whole vocabulary was 'Momo,' 'Pyunsuke,' 'kill,' and 'fucking beetle.'"

"I've never heard you say that word before." It doesn't bother me, but Makoto doesn't like it, so I end up not saying words like that.

"There are better ones out there. Rin says it all the time when we're on the phone with him, and I think the only thing keeping Makoto from washing his mouth out with soap is the distance."

"He'll be a good teacher someday. And maybe Rin will get it when he comes back to Japan, or if Makoto ever goes to Australia."

Hmmm, Makoto in Australia. I think his school has an exchange program with a school down there. I could picture it- him, on the beach, relaxing and having fun. I'm there too, fending off all the Australian girls longing for him. "As long as he doesn't come back with shark teeth."

* * *

We've only been in Tokyo for six months, and we've already restarted that old habit of leaving our clothes at each other's houses. Granted, our sleepovers are far less innocent than they used to be, to the point where we don't even wear pajamas anymore. Sometimes I'll cook breakfast in a shirt, though, a green one that is supposed to be Makoto's.

Suddenly I have an idea. I know he likes the way I look in it. Would he maybe want a picture?

I'm not as practiced in the art of self-portraits as some other people I know (Nagisa and Rin, I am looking at you.) But that doesn't stop me from grabbing my phone and turning on the camera.

There's a knock at my door.

"Surprise, Haru! I got done earlier today, so I thought we could maybe go do something."

I hear the key turning in the lock. Suddenly, I don't want him to see. I don't think I'd have actually gone through with sending the picture. Why do I care so much? Is this what embarrassment feels like?

"Haru, are you in the- no, I guess not. I was looking for that shirt, but maybe you should keep it, as long as I'm the only one who sees it." Why does he keep saying things like this? It'll only make things worse when the inevitable happens.

"Don't say that. You'll only make it worse."

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry I didn't notice-"

"You didn't, you never could, Makoto, you're amazing. I was afraid nobody would ever love me, and now that I have it, I never want to let it go. I'm always afraid you'll want to upgrade to someone better, someone you could start a family with. You probably want children, and I can never give you that, even if I want to. I hate feeling so selfish and possessive, but I can't stop."

"Do you remember what I told you two years ago?" How could I ever forget the best thing anyone's ever said to me? _You're the first thing I think of every morning and the last I think of every night. You feature in the middle a lot, too. Everything I do is for you._ "I still feel like that, even now. Every time we kiss, it feels like the first time. Even if I have new experiences, they mean nothing if I can't share them with you. If we want a family someday, after you've retired from professional swimming, we can have one, and no one can ever convince me otherwise."

Why does he have to be so good at that? He's always the one who's best at dismantling all my negative emotions. There's no one else I'm meant to be with, after all. I feel Makoto's arms around me, and I respond by pressing my face into his blue sweater that's as soft as the kittens he loves so much. We stay like that for a while until I hear him talk again, and I feel the vibrations in his chest. He even feels like a purring kitten.

"I just remembered. I said my friend who worked there wanted to talk to you, but you never asked who it was. I thought it was odd."

"It's probably just someone from one of my classes or my team. Or Kisumi. Please tell me it's not Kisumi."

"It's not Kisumi. And it's funny you mention the swim team. The person was on a swim team, but not yours."

"Which team? Is it another university?"

"No. He went to Samezuka." It's probably not Captain Mikoshiba, since I think he would've just said so if it was. Obviously, it's not Rin. It could just be one of the many members that I don't know the names of.

"I give up. Who is it?"

"Sosuke Yamazaki." Suddenly, the sweater feels prickly, and I move to get away. I can't say which is worse, him or Kisumi.


	3. With You is the Only Honest Way to Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto deals with the fallout from his revelation. Rei and Nagisa have some interesting news from the home front. Haru wants to be part of it.

"Is there something wrong?" Sure, I know Sosuke isn't Haru's favorite person, but I was expecting more casual indifference than outright repulsion. I hate even thinking this, but… "Did he do something to you?"

I was not expecting the answer that followed. "He threatened me before that relay at Splash Fest last year. He told me to stay away from Rin because I would 'ruin' him."

"Why haven't I heard about this? Did you think you couldn't tell me? If I'd known about this, I don't think I would have become his friend in the first place." It hurts thinking Haru doesn't trust me enough to let me know when he's hurt. I leave soon after, Haru making it clear that he doesn't really want me around.

I need to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

On Thursdays, my earliest class starts at 11 am, so I usually get to Jellyfish around 9:30 and get some caffeine in me. Sosuke normally works about 7-1, so he can usually get his break then so we can talk. Just two friends going for a coffee, one of them wearing a distinctive blue smock with a white embroidered jellyfish on the chest, over a black t-shirt and black pants.

I get the feeling it won't be like that today.

I walk up to the counter and place an order for a medium café mocha and a muffin, while Sosuke sweeps the floor behind it. Sosuke sees my name on one of the cups and finishes his task. As my cup is the one under the machine, he announces his going on break, and he pours himself a cup of coffee. He seems to drink it black, and I'm still surprised he can drink it. I go to sit down at a table, trying not to look up, and about 30 seconds later, I hear a chair being pulled out on the other side.

"Hey, Tachibana. How's it going?" Not looking forward to this, I've never confronted anyone before! Should I play it cool, or… no, I could never fight anyone, especially not in a coffee shop! It's not a bar!

"Oh, um, not too much!"

"What? Are you feeling okay? You're not dying, are you?"

"No, I'm not!" I laugh, probably sounding as nervous as I feel. Not that I don't want to be protective of Haru, but it's really hard for me! Rin would be able to do it, even if Sosuke is pretty much his boyfriend, even though he's never really said anything about that. Let's see, what would Rin do? "Haru told me something interesting the other day."

"Oh yeah? What's that?" He doesn't look that interested, but even this is proof that things should be okay.

"He said you threatened him last year." He looks panicked.

"So you found out. Not my proudest moment there. I do regret that."

"So what do you want from him? Why should I have Haru come here? Are you going to apologize? I don't like when people threaten my boyfriend."

"Yeah, Rin wants me to be civil with you guys. With you, it's been easy, and those other two should probably be fine, but I just don't think Nanase and I will ever be real friends. Don't tell Rin, but I was planning on leaving town for a little while after my surgery, so I wanted to settle some things before I left."

* * *

It's very unsettling to find yourself jolted awake and to not realize what's happening until you see a light on the other side of the room coming from where you think your phone is.

"Mako Mako Mako!"

"Nagisa, it's 2:30. What is it?" How is he still so energetic?

"Me and Rei are getting married!" What? Those two are engaged?

"And you couldn't have waited until an appropriate hour to tell me?" Or an appropriate age to get engaged in the first place? Predictably, Nagisa ignores me.

"Well, he hasn't actually asked me yet… We were at the beach and Rei said that he would marry me there someday. He said it would be the most beautiful wedding in the world. Momo said he would be my best man!" Wait, who's Momo again?

I hate to admit it, but I'm a little jealous. I wish I could be brave like those two. I don't think Haru's parents even know we're together. His dad works for Toyota, which is already a pretty big contrast with someone who loves water as much as he does. They don't really get along from what I've seen, and it hurts to think we might not be able to share our happiness with them. But there are times when I'll be thinking, _If Haru doesn't like his family, maybe he can join mine._

Mom, Dad, Ran and Ren all adore him as much as I do. If I asked to adopt Haru into the family, I'm sure nobody would object. Tachibana Haruka has a nice ring to it. Of course, it can't happen now, but maybe after university it could be possible.

"Mako! Did you fall asleep?"

"Sorry! I just got lost in thought. Call me back during the daytime, okay?"

* * *

I need Haru.

Things have been kind of weird since the Sosuke thing, and I want to fix them. I ask him to come to my place for this Wednesday night. For a while, I thought he might not show up, but eventually, he did.

"Sorry, swim practice ran late today."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Sosuke. I didn't mean to hide it from you, but he really seems to have mellowed out since last year. He said he was going to apologize to you, since he wanted to 'fix things' before leaving town after his surgery."

"Where is he going? Sydney?"

"He didn't say, but he did ask me not to tell Rin, and he mentioned something about English classes a couple of times."

"I'm sorry, too. I don't want you to feel like you aren't allowed to have other friends that aren't Rei and Nagisa. Even if I don't think I'll ever be friends with Yamazaki, I can't stop you from being his friend if that's what you want."

"Speaking of Nagisa, he called me at 2:30 this morning."

"You too?" Haru seems really nervous all of a sudden. What is he thinking? "Do you ever think about things like that?"

"Once in a while."

"I had a dream last night. I was at the Olympics in Tokyo, I was swimming for Japan, Rin was swimming for Australia. They announced the competitors in each lane, and when they got to mine, it was kind of weird. They didn't announce Haruka Nanase swimming in lane 4. They announced someone called Haruka Tachibana. I would look over and see you sitting there, cheering me on, and any nerves I had would disappear."

This is really incredible. I think this is the first time he's ever expressed anything like this to me.

"It felt right. It made me realize I wouldn't mind being like that someday. I know I'm bad at showing it, but I really do love you, Makoto."

It doesn't matter. As I reach out to put my arms around him, that's all I can think. As long as we have love, everything else will be fine.


	4. We're The New Face of Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sosuke makes his way back to Rin for the second, but not final, time.

What the fuck is this?

I wasn't really expecting anything after Gou managed to wrangle both my surgery date and the name of the hospital out of me, so it definitely came out of nowhere when the nurse handed me a card sent from Iwatobi, seemingly not knowing where it was.

As I read it, I pretended not to hear the nurses talking about me.

"Damn, he's fine! I could attend to him all day! I wonder if he needs a sponge bath…"

"But he got a card from Tottori, so he must be from the sticks."

"Who cares? If all the men out there are as fine as him, I know where I'm going for my next vacation!" That nurse is about my mom's age, and the other one has to be at least 30. Somehow, even though my birthdate is definitely in my file, I don't think they realize how old I am.

I received get well messages from Gou, Ai, Momo, and two others named Hazuki Nagisa and Ryugazaki Rei, whose names I don't recognize.

"Do your best, Sou-chan! Fight for Rin-chan's love!" Who is this girl, who is Sou-chan, and why am I fighting for Rin's love?

"Best of luck in your recovery, Sou-chan-san. May your butterfly fly freely once more." Is this some friend of Gou's? Does she think she's poetic? Come to think of it, why did she add two honorifics onto my name?

* * *

Later I get a visit from Tachibana- he says Makoto is fine, but it's still awkward- and Nanase. It's going to be tough, but I have to play nice with Nanase for a bit. Rin wants me to. I don't know how to start, but luckily Nanase does it for me.

"Makoto says you have something to say?"

"I wanted to apologize for how I've treated you. I hated how you had the thing I wanted, and were throwing it away like it was nothing. But I'm on my way to a new dream now, and hopefully my upcoming vacation will help."

"You never said where you were going."

"Sydney." Tachibana looks thrilled, and Nanase looks the same as always.

They name the senders of the card as Rei and Nagisa. That doesn't help me, but it's nice to have names.

When they left, I saw Nanase looking at me in a way that was only 80% deadpan. I think he might have accepted my apology.

* * *

I'm still not sure why I'm being kept overnight. Sleep is hard to come by. I can't stop thinking about Rin.

I've known for a while that my feelings for him go beyond friendship. It's not every day you reunite with your childhood best friend and realize he ended up being attractive. But with my shoulder, I just never found a good time to tell him. And with him in Australia, it seemed like I'd never get a good one. Tachibana helped me figure something out.

" _You seem really down today. What's wrong?"_

" _I booked my surgery for next month, but the doctor said I still probably won't be able to swim again."_

" _That's awful! But I know you're not the one you're worried about."_

" _What can I say to Rin? He'll just cry when he hears that I can't carry out my promise."_

" _Even so, you need to do it. You can find a new dream together. You said you had some time before your next round of physical therapy? You could go see him and tell him how you feel." I hate that knowing look he gives then._

I've got the ticket. I'm going next week, on a Sunday. Rin gets Sundays off, so he should be at home.

* * *

Back at my parents' house. Both of them were working, so I brought myself home from the hospital. Tachibana and Nanase were the only ones who came to see me, and I wasn't even expecting them. With everyone else in Iwatobi, and Rin overseas, they were the only ones close enough to go.

I spend my days leading up to my trip practicing my English, thinking of what I'm going to say, packing spring clothes (as crazy as it is to think about) and trying not to give myself away when I text Rin.

* * *

Airport security was easy. Navigating Narita was a bit harder, but I managed okay. I wish I hadn't needed to drink so much coffee to leave the house at 5 am, because now I won't be able to sleep on the plane. It'll be 10 hours of hell, and I won't even be able to listen to music on my phone until we're up in the air.

I must have crashed at some point, because that did not feel like 10 hours. Customs was harder than security, since I was afraid they'd confiscate my pain medication and I don't think the agents believed me when I said I was on vacation. One of them said something about "sheilas" to the other one, and I don't know what that means, but I don't think he bought it.

It gets easier once I can get outside. The weather is nice, sunny but not too hot.

Now for the real hard part- how do I get to his place? It took 45 minutes on the train to get here to Parramatta. I have to hold my phone up to the street signs to compare the letters, and the people probably think I'm crazy. This woman taking her kids to the park or something is staring at me.

I eventually manage to find the street I'm looking for. At least numbers are usually universal. I really hope this is the right place. The sun's almost down, so if I'm wrong, I'm pretty much screwed.

I ring the doorbell, and after what feels like a century, it's answered by a guy about my age with red hair, wearing a greenish shirt and sweatpants.

"Holy shit, Sosuke! Is this real? Are you here for good?"

"I'm not. I have to be back in Japan in two weeks for my next round of physical therapy. But the doctor said that even after that, I still probably won't be able to swim again. I'll probably have to find a new dream, and if I can do it in Australia, I'll do it in Australia."

"So you ignore me for a week, act really weird for another week, and then you're here for two. You better make it up to me, Yamazaki." He hasn't called me Yamazaki since we were nine. I see that smile, and I know he's just teasing. "Let's go inside, get you settled in."

* * *

The interior is as clean as I expected it to be. He talks about his training, I talk about my job.

"You and Makoto, huh? I can see that. You both have that sensitive huge guy thing going on."

"You should be thanking Tachibana. If it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't have come in the first place."

"I was afraid of that." Shit, is he going to cry? I expected he might when it got to this part, but I still don't want to see it. "I know I said I would wait for you, but I was so afraid that you were going to forget about me and find someone else. I really love you, you know that?" I wasn't expecting him to say it first, and he is definitely crying.

"Yeah, I know." There are still some tears, but he's mostly switched to laughing now.

"You loser, do you think you're cool or something? Quoting Han Solo doesn't make you cool."

"I wanted you to stop crying. That way was just faster. I love you too, by the way."

"Yeah, I know." He looks so proud of himself, I have to laugh too. We both laugh until I feel Rin grabbing two fistfuls of my red sweatshirt and leaning towards my face. He kisses me, and it feels perfect.

Even if I can never swim again, I'm glad this is the life I've chosen. Things will be hard at first, but I wouldn't have it any other way now.


End file.
